One of the things I really dislike about technology is how disposable it is. I put off getting new cell phones and computers until it becomes absolutely necessary. Like right now, a Blackberry would be extremely useful in my life, as would a new MacBook, but I'm purchasing neither until the technology I have is irreparably (sp?) damaged. I pay for a remote back-up of my laptop, awaiting that day.

Now, something just happened that makes me completely crazy. My printer (a Lexmark printer/copier/fax) is about 1.5 years old, and after having been moved from one office space to another, it decided it no longer wanted to properly feed paper. So I call Lexmark Canada, and I get an automated voice that was distinctly French Canadian, but with impeccable English, falsely raising my hopes that I might get to to talk to someone in Canada. After I punch through the menu, I get that familiar clicking sound of my call being passed to a call centre somewhere overseas. I take a deep breath, and go through the usual formalities of complaining about a product. The woman asked me to unload all the paper from the printer, then unload the ink cartridges. I opened the top of the printer, but the cartridges were slid all the way to the left, so I couldn't unload them. The woman told me to gently pull on the white cable attached to the cartridge holder, and slide it to the middle. I did this, and unloaded the cartridges. The printer did not like this at all, and the cartridge holder started sliding violently back and forth, snapping off the clips that hold the cartridges down. I told this to the woman, who re-started her instructions at "Now please open your printer" at which point I said "I DID THAT AND UNLOADED THE CARTRIDGES AND THE PRINTER JUST SNAPPED OFF THE CLIPS THAT HOLD DOWN THE CARTRIDGES!" IT'S EVEN MORE BROKEN NOW!" Without missing a beat, the woman asked me for my mailing address, as they would be sending me a new printer in 3-4 business days. WHAT?! I mean, I'm glad I'm going to have a working printer, but that's it? It's broken so replace it? She said I was going to have to send them back my broken printer so I wouldn't be charged for the new one, so I can only hope that they fix or refurbish the one I have. But there was no option given to physically repair the one I have. This makes me crazy.

The new one better be wireless.

Ma Ma Sisterhood

What aspect of motherhood has been most on your mind lately?

Lately, I've been most concerned about the impact of potentially going back to work full time. There are a couple opportunities I am exploring, and one of them would have me back in a 9-to-5, 5 days a week. I'm finally seeing what everyone was talking about, being lucky to be able to work only part time, and from home. But there are many pros and cons to both sides, the major con being that my little guy would be in full time day care, rather than part time. The good thing is, we're all very happy with the little montessori school he's attending, so actually finding full time care is not an issue. So that question of a major career boost, versus quality time with my son, is staring me straight in the face, and I can't get it off my mind. Even after the decision has been made (likely in the next few weeks), I am sure I will be unsatisfied, either way.  

Well, it seems lil'ReRe is a pretty resilient little guy, because he was unfazed (I spelled that unphased the first time) by my absence. My husband and I agreed that, if he asked where I was, we'd say "At Work", since he was used to Getalife being gone to work for what seemed like days to him, leaving before he got up and coming back after he went to bed. We also opted to not talk on the phone, as the status quo seemed to be working, and we didn't want to upset him. He did ask his dad "mummy finish work soon?" often enough, but seemed satisfied with the answer. I ended up coming home a little early, so I was able to pick him up from school on Friday, and it was all I could do to respect the Montessori principle of parents waiting at the door for their kids to come to them. But it was worth it, cuz ReRe did that little run thing where he doesn't go any faster, but he's moving his legs as quickly as he can, which results in a little twisty dance. We went out for dinner that night, since I was in no shape to cook, and I had to hold myself back from having me some ReRe for the appetizer, main course and dessert. Getalife had to keep reminding me we were in public, but I didn't care, we had a lot of cuddle time to make up for.

And I just wanted to say thanks to Ron&Melvin, Eileen, Cath, Janette and my seestor for your encouraging, supportive words. I read them every time I opened my laptop to again look at pictures of my little guy.

I'm in the midst of packing to go up to Ottawa for a few days for a training workshop, and it will be the first time that lil'ReRe and I will be apart overnight. And it won't be just one night, but 3 nights. I feel just sick about it, but this particular course is only being held in Ottawa this year (it was in Toronto last year, but fell over ReRe's birthday weekend) so if I want to take it, I have to go. Getalife has taken a light work week, so that he'll be available to get up with ReRe, get him fed and clothed, and off to school, then picked up, entertained, fed, bathed, and off to sleep. I have joked with my husband that my biggest fear will be that they will be able to get by just fine without me, but I know that what I'm most dreading is a little boy crying over the phone. That will completely kill me. Just last night we were out for dinner with friends, and their 4-year-old son had the babysitter call them because his ear hurt. After some assuring words from his mom, he went off to bed, still crying, but 5 minutes later the babysitter called back to say he was asleep. Our friends were very calm and firm on the phone, but you could see how hard it was for them. I'll try to channel their strength when the time comes. I know the course will be jam-packed, and I only have 2 free evenings to fill, but it turns out my old employer is having their board meetings, so many of my old colleagues from overseas will be in town, so there shouldn't be any shortage of distraction. I'm just going to miss his little face so much. I've scheduled my flight to leave after his bedtime, so while that means a late night for me tonight, at least I'll get to give him his bath, and try not to bawl my eyes out.

So, after receiving less than prompt service (i.e. waiting 3 days for a response) from the mom-run family travel agency, I visited two other travel agencies to try to book a holiday. My husband and I had agreed on a resort that we wanted to go to in the Bahamas, and we had also agreed that we were going to splurge on a suite, so that if ReRe was taking a nap or going to bed before us, we could put him in a separate bedroom, and still be able to watch movies or whatever, without worrying about waking him. As it turns out, these other travel agencies only offer packages with regular rooms, so it was actually impossible for them to book a suite at this resort for us, and the second agency told us that we would have to book directly with the resort, and then come back and book air travel. I didn't have a terrible amount of time to spend on this, and the days were ticking by, so I was getting worried that we were not going to be able to book anything at all. In the meantime, the family travel agency had actually gotten back to me, and was able to offer us the type of room that we wanted. When I was finally able to get the owner on the phone (yet another day later), she actually had a lot of valuable information for me, since she had been to this resort herself with her 3 kids, and could explain things like what would and would not be suitable activities for a (soon-to-be) 2 year old, etc. She then was able to book us for flights, accomodations, and things like activities and restaurants that you needed reservations for, which the other travel agencies also would not have been able to do for us. So all in all, I ended up using her travel agency, not really because of the stellar service, but because once I had her attention, she was able to offer a wider breadth of services, provide advice from a Mom's perspective, and help put together a holiday that was appropriate for a family, and not just a couple on a weekend getaway.

And now I'd like to share a recommendation for a company run by mompreneurs that I fully endorse: Mabel's Labels. I had gone to a presentation by the founders of the company, two sisters-in-law who were finding it very hard to manage the dual roles of being moms and career people, so they joined forces and started working for themselves. One was a lawyer with six kids (I'm not kidding here, SIX). The other was a graphic designer, or something like that, and they actually developed the labels themselves, through experiments with different materials and every sort of abuse they thought they might go through. I initially ordered a school combo pack, but used up most of the labels, and then ordered just the Tag Mates. These labels are amazing. They are super thin plastic that stick to anything, and are very hard to peel off. It seems like putting them through the wash only makes they stick even more. And if your child hates the feeling of tags, you don't have to worry about these, because the edges don't curl or anything. I found the shoe labels to be a bit problematic, and that they peeled off, but I find that the Classic Stickies work just fine in shoes, and stick like nothing else. Whenever I've made an order, I've had an immediate reply, and have always received the products promptly without any problem. I would highly recommend this product, if you have the need to label your children's belongings.

(Oh, and I did get my hair cut last week by Rob, my 'new' stylist, after unsuccessfully trying to book an appointment with my old stylist, who is not available for months since she only works 2 days a week.  Rob asked me (again) if he had cut my hair before (this was the third time). He talked about his Escalade, and how he's going to get a Hummer. I was in and out, colour and cut, in just over an hour. I wish I hated my hair cut, so that I would be motivated to find someone else who might remember my face, but unfortunately, the boy's got skills.)    

I'm facing a bit of a conundrum here, and I'm not sure what to do about it. You see, as a mom who has decided to try to work from home on a schedule that fits my family, I am already very aware of the contraints this places on gaining, and keeping, clients. As an entrepreneur, in order to make my home business work, I should be responding 110% to the demands of the market. Instead, I am hoping to find clients who want my skills bad enough that they will put up with my less than constant accessibility, distance, and potentially, lack of focus. My problem is that I have now twice come across other women who are trying to make their careers fit around their families, and I'm finding that their inaccessibility and lack of focus may cost them myself as a client. So what comes first, my support of other moms, or getting the quality services I need when I need them?

The first woman is my hair stylist. She is fantastic, really excellent, always takes extra time for me, and sometimes styles my hair in some really fun way, just for kicks. Like one time, she straightened my hair and gave me a Marilyn Monroe flip, and when my husband and I went out for dinner on Queen Street West that night, I was nearly stopping people in their tracks. One girl followed me into the bathroom to find out where I'd gotten my hair done. My stylist was pregnant the same time I was, had a really rough first year, and when she finally came back to work, we bonded in a way I hadn't with other moms cuz she didn't mind talking about The Crazy. My problem is that, she only works 1-2 days a week, is booked months in advance, so I have tried to book appointments with her, but the times are always inconvenient to get downtown and back, and I can't bring myself to pay four hours of babysitting just to get my hair done, and my husband will have scheduled something else himself so he's not free, so I always end up cancelling and rebooking with another stylist, we'll call Rob, who works hours that fit into my day, and works like 7 days a week, so booking within a couple weeks is usually doable. Rob cuts my hair at lightning speed; I swear it takes longer to park the car than it does to get my hair cut. He doesn't really make eye contact, but I think I'm just not his type. He doesn't mind taking risks; I think he'd shave half of it off if I asked him to, so I never know exactly how it will look, but it always settles into a very acceptable and easy bob. The last time I went to see Rob, my regular stylist was in the salon, and I explained to her how sorry I was that I hadn't booked with her, and that I would try to book with her for next time. She then sort of tried to get me to switch THAT appointment right there, but I was really uncomfortable leaving Rob in the lurch like that. So that put me off as well. Needless to say, I tried to book with her, but couldn't find a time that fit my schedule and time contraints, and now Rob is cutting my hair next Tuesday. Between 1:04 and 1:12pm, a time when no one else needs me to be anywhere, and I don't have to face rush hour traffic.

The second issue I have is with a travel agency that specialises in holidays for families. It is run by two women who left their health sector jobs to be able to work from home while raising their families, and I want to support this. I've finally convinced my husband to take a vacation, but it can only be within a certain week in April, so I need to get it booked PDQ. I sent an e-mail to the agency, with some specifications of what we were looking for. It took 2 days for them to get back to me, and half of their suggestions do not fit our requirements. They also suggested we travel in May, which is impossible. There was also an apology about the late response, and how busy one of the women is with 3 kids. Part of me wants to give them a chance; the other part wants to let them know that I can't wait on their schedule, and I'm going to go to another agency that gets back to me the same day and sends me options that fit my (very clear) specifications.

 I think, in the first case, it is just impossible to try to fit my (already infrequent) visits to the hair salon around my original stylists' inavailability, and just start booking with Rob from now on. This makes me quite sad, as I really enjoyed her company, and I think we could have been friends. In the second case, I think I'm going to give them a call on Monday, and perhaps talking to a real person will help. I'm just torn, since I know I could potentially do the same thing to clients. For now, I'm just making note of it, and making sure that I don't end up promising clients services that this Mom-preneur is just not able to deliver.  

Not surprisingly, I'm finding the hardest part of home-based self-employment to be maintaining focus. There are always a dozen important (paying bills, sorting out finances) and not so important (trips to the yarn store) diversions that keep distracting me from the task at hand, which is finishing my business plan, particularly the implementation time line, and then sticking to it. What I have to do is think of this as someone else's project; the deadlines are real, and someone else is going to be waiting for the work to be done. Isn't it funny that it is easier to commit to others than to yourself?

Of course there are those moments when I look at my brochure website, and think "can I really offer those services to people?" and then I get into a spiral of "I'm not ready for this - I have to get ready - what if someone called today?? - why am I doing this?!" and then I do what I always do, search Charity Village for full time job ads. And there is always, invariably, someone advertising a position that I could definitely apply for, that I'm qualified for, and then I spend a few minutes fantasizing about having a real job to go to every day. Then I remind myself that I'm working from home so that I can spend more time with lil'ReRe, and that me going back to work full time would require us to have regular home-based child care, given my husband's heavy and variable work schedule. Then I'm back to square one: ReRe is in day care, close by and only for part of the day; this gives me time to build a career that fits both my skills and ambition, and the sort of life I want to have with my family. Breathe in, breathe out. Click back to the business plan.

Maybe now that I've written this out, I'll be able to just stick to the business plan and get it finished.

But first a trip to the yarn store.  

While I should be putting the finishing touches on my business plan and continuing my marketing/networking for my consulting practice, this morning has been all about productive avoidance. It's productive because I did actually get things done that are important to that other thing I do, that is being a mom and wife. I spent part of this morning at Supperworks, a meal prep operation, where you place an order ahead of time for meals from their monthly menu, they prepare the fresh ingredients, and you go and assemble the meals in zip-lock bags, ready for the freezer. As my sister confesses, we're not great cooks,  and after my toddler son reacted to my last attempt at something new (I'll refer to it euphemistically as Huevos Rancheros for Toddlers) with a full body shudder, I finally admitted I needed help too. So I ordered 12 meals (I'll get to them later) and showed up with my laundry basket to carry them home. The location is in a strip mall close by, and is set up like a restaurant kitchen with different stations for each meal. They gave me an apron and said get to it. Within an hour and a half, I had everything done. Witness the fruits of my labour:

Chicken Wellington

 I would NEVER have attempted to make Chicken Wellington had it not been facilitated like this. I just had this little bundle of tastiness for lunch, and it was awesome. So in addition to having a freezer full of ready to cook meals, I also have greater confidence in cooking these same dishes on my own.

I had planned on only making 6 dishes, but once I saw the menu, I opted for 12. This cost me around $300, but for that I got:

- 12 individual Chicken Wellingtons

- Asian Beef Wraps for 3-4 people

- a big pot of Black Bean and Corn stew, with 6 whole wheat rolls

- Cabernet Beef for 4-6

- 4 Broccoli Quiches

- 2 x Indonesian Ginger Chicken for 4-6 people

- 2 x Sirlioin Roast with White Wine Mushroom Sauce for 4 people

- 1 puffed Apple Bake for 4-6 people

This comes out to $3-4 per meal per person, with no prep and clean-up beyond actually cooking the dishes, plus the latent learning I'm doing cooking-wise, since none of these recipes were rocket science. I'm dropping a few of the meals off for a friend who just had a baby, and I'm going to keep this in mind for other friends as a baby shower gift.  

My second diversion is curtesy of abigailvr, who posted about the Winter Edition of Knitty. I have to say, whenever a new on-line edition is posted, my life comes to a screeching halt as I drool over the patterns, and discover all kinds of knitting ambitions, But this time is for real, as this edition has a pattern for the perfect toddler toque - it completely covers their head, ears and neck, and will never fall in their eyes. It also takes care of that dubious decision as to whether a scarf on a toddler is a good idea. Obviously, I MUST go straight to the yarn store IMMEDIATELY, since my son will be done with nursery school in 2 hours, and he NEEDS me to knit this, not work on overhead estimates, right?

I have spent the past two days in a nickel-spitting fit of jealousy. I need to get this out of my head if I'm going to get back to some semblance of peace of mind, so I need to break it down, analyze it, get to its source, and pour some water on whatever is igniting it. It all started when my husband came home from work, and said "Oh, in a couple of weeks, I'm going to a Leafs game with the guys from work. They've rented a limo and I kinda have to go." Or what? Musharraf won't lift the state of emergency? Next year's crops won't germinate? When he saw the colour rising up my neck, he said "what, what's the big deal?" And I thought for a second, and in all honesty, I said "I wish it was me. I wish I had someone in my life who asked me to go to a Leafs game in a limo." To which he replied "and sit in box seats." When he saw me scanning the room for projectiles, he grabbed the child and went to the playroom, saying "Mommy needs to make dinner now, and we need to get out of her way......"

So what is it about this situation that has me lighting up like a bug zapper? I think it has crystalized the differences between how my husband and I get to live our lives after having moved to Mississauga so he can have his Well Paying Dream Job, and all the frustrations this has caused me. I don't have any professional colleagues, let alone ones who can afford an outing like this, so there is none of the passive socializing that goes on in the workplace, and thus every social interaction I have seems to have to be orchestrated, which leaves me feeling exposed and not a little pathetic. And as absolutely wonderful a husband and father as he is, he still has a freedom of time and mobility that I just don't seem to have to the same extent. I've cancelled two appointments to get my hair done because I just don't feel right paying a babysitter about as much as I pay to have my hair done. I have one social event coming up, a mom's night out, that we have booked over a month in advance, because that's what mom's have to do if we want to go out. I've missed so many Stitch'n'Bitch nights because of my husband's work schedule (and again my reticence to pay a babysitter for my social time) that I think they've actually stopped inviting me. So when my husband has yet another opportunity to do something that is not only social, but also a whole heck of a lot of fun, I start seeing everything refracted thru a lens of swampwater green, complete with the stench of skunk cabbage and rot. Jealousy is an ugly, evil thing.

So what am I doing to pull myself out of this state of mind? I have indeed made a hair appointment for the end of next week, after my current contract is up, and during a time when my son is at daycare, so his care is already paid for. Once this contract is up, I am going to then have time to focus on my business launch, and hopefully reconnect with people who I used to know professionally, rebuild that network, and hopefully pick up another contract or two, but also have some social interaction outside of the playground and daycare parking lot. I'll finish all the odds and ends of organizing my finances and building a small business office. I may even try to join some sort of women's small business network, since I'm sure there are many women out there in very much the same position, I think they call us 'mompreneurs'.

I'm going outside to rake leaves and to reflect on how much I do love our little house and our very friendly and kind neighbourhood.

And I'll try to not hate on my husband too much when he goes to the game. I'll just do what every other non-native Torontonian does.

I'll hate on the Leafs.  

....I died a hundred times walking away from my crying baby at day care this morning. It was exactly like my husband had described: lil'ReRe was doing just fine, he even walked right over to the door of his classroom on his own, but as he was going in, some other child was fighting and crying to get out. ReRe then turned to find me and started crying. One of the teachers put her arms out, and I just passed him over the other crying child into the class, and a second teacher closed the door. The last image I had was lil'ReRe with his arms outstretched as his cry ramped up, realizing that yes, this was happening all over again. I really don't know how his day went, other than he slept well, since there was a similar melee when I picked him up. ReRe could see me thru the glass of the door, but the teachers couldn't get it open from the crush of small children, so he stood there banging on the door and crying to reach me. I'm sure he was fine until he saw me, but it was heartbreaking. I was told that this all calms down in a week or so, but at the moment, it is a little unnerving.

Speaking of unnerving, I'm definitely coming to the realization that this kid has me on the make. At day care, he is going to sleep on a little cot without being rocked, without a bottle beforehand, and without a pacifier. At home, there has got to be a bottle, followed by cuddles until he falls asleep, still with a pacifier (which has been limited to only sleep times), and only with the greatest of struggles does he lie down and go to sleep on his own in his crib. But I'll admit it, I love the cuddles, and if he falls asleep after a few minutes, then I just lie him down in his crib. He's only taking maybe 10 minutes to fall asleep usually, so I'm just letting myself enjoy the cuddles and rocking while I can.

So I spent my first day in my new contract position at home, catching up on all the info I need to know for the education/fundraising campaign I'm going to be working on. I'm very excited, because all the educational materials being distributed are about school improvement in Malawi and Rwanda, and I spent a year living in Malawi, half the time on a girls' high school compound. Half the money raised is also going to the same types of projects. I can't wait to talk to elementary school kids about what it is like to live in Malawi. I'll have to dig out my Malawian kangas to wear to presentations.

On a referral from the woman designing my business website, I called another photographer. He's going to come to our house, and take pictures here, so that way if ReRe gets bored or tired, he can go do something else. The photographer has a 2-year old himself, so he even suggested just following ReRe around and taking pics of him doing his normal everyday things. These pics could be really cute. And he said his time with us is unlimited, so whatever it takes is fine with him. I feel much better about this guy than the other photographer. I better call my credit card company, and make sure she gave me a refund......